valentine's 2008, no 41

What sex toys taught me about love and lust

There are many things to dislike about Valentine's Day. The crass consumerism, the misguided attempts at expressing love through expensive dinners and jewelry, all that waxy chocolate. But it's hard not to admire the way that Valentine's Day brazenly embraces love and lust with equal intensity.

Most of us struggle with the distinction between love and lust. We try to figure out how they can fit together and how to stay in relationships when they don't. I've learned my greatest lessons about love and lust from sex toys.

I think like most people, even after I started using sex toys on a regular basis, I considered them an imposition, something that you add to "regular sex" and therefore something essentially unnatural. The ease and consistency with which sex toys provided me with orgasms only further solidified in my mind the idea that they carried some special powers. And so I would use my vibrators often and with relish (figuratively of course) but I always felt a bit like I was cheating. I countered this cheating feeling by making sure that I had sex without sex toys too, I even kept a running tally in my mind of the number of times I had sex with and without sex toys.

This had everything to do with this distinction between love and lust. Love, we're told, is a great virtue yet lust a sin. Sex with vibrators was too easy and too fun to be "natural". Sex with a partner and even solo sex that relied only on fantasy and friction took some commitment. It was sex with a work ethic and therefore nothing to feel guilty about. For me sex with sex toys equalled lust, sex without sex toys equalled love.

I can't remember when the change happened, but somewhere along the way it did.

Fuelled in part by the fact that, guilty or not, I couldn't get enough of this easy, fun, and lustful sex, I decided that I should stop keeping the mental tally and give into my lust. I reasoned that it was hypocritical of me to be preaching a message that everyone should get to dictate how they choose to be sexual while allowing my own sex life to be guided by someone else's expectations.

It's been several years since I've allowed myself unlimited use of sex toys and a few things have happened since then. First, my fears about relying solely on sex toys haven't come to pass. Second, my sex life has much more love in it. It may be that opening up to what I fear allowed me to open up emotionally as well. It may be that letting myself do precisely what I want gave me the confidence to find deeper love in the sex I was having. It may just be a coincidence. I've learned not to question it.

What I'd like to recommend is that in addition to the usual chocolate sex toys and diamond dinners this Valentine's Day, take a few moments to think about the ways you experience love and lust in your life, and whether or not you might do something differently to let the two cross paths a few extra times in the coming year.

news

The Toronto Erotic Arts Festival

Overwhelmed by the response to last year's festival we've expanded this event to offer an entire week of art, sexiness and erotic indulgences. Returning to the historic Gladstone Hotel from February 5th to 10th is Erotic Blender (a multi-media art exhibit curated by Chris Ablett and Leanne Gillard), the crafters workshop (a hands-on opportunity for anyone to learn to make their own erotic arts and crafts), our two day craft fair (see below) and wind the week up with a night of erotic performance, installation, and partying at the Festival Meltdown, our community fundraiser party.

The Erotic Arts and Crafts Fair

Just in time for Valentine's Day and a perfect way to find cruelty-free, lead-free gifts for your lover, our craft fair will take over the 2nd floor of the Gladstone Hotel for Saturday and Sunday, February 9th and 10th from 12pm to 5pm. More vendors, more crafts, more erotic pastries and less holds-barred. Get a sneak preview at www.eroticartsandcrafts.com

Buck Angel

We're thrilled to present AVN Transsexual Performer of the Year and radical porn entrepreneur Buck Angel for two engaging discussion-based workshops April 6th and 7th at Come As You Are. Don't miss an intimate video signing on Saturday April 5th at Woody's on Church St. For details and pre-registration visit www.comeasyouare.com or call 416-504-7934.

5th Annual Midnight Mayhem Sale

Where else can you buy sex toys at midnight, get free cupcakes, find deals galore (including the infamous Toonie Toy Bin) and support a democratically run business doing their part to make a difference? Right here at 701 Queen St. West. On Friday March 28th we open our doors at 9:30pm and party till midnight with hourly door prizes, our in-house DJ Winnie, and

than a few surprises!

toys

BodiTalk Escort

It is silver bullet meets the OhMiBod. The BodiTalk Escort is a cell phone controlled vibe that vibrates when your phone rings. When you're not using it with your phone, the BodiTalk escort is an excellent multi-speed vibrating bullet. No wires or programming needed. $80

Anal Curve Large

Soft and pliable, this new set of anal toys are as much plugs as they are beads! With 3 ridges all the way down, these plugs are great for experimenting how big you wanna go! Comes in small, medium & large.

Delight Rechargeable

Is your dungeon closed for repairs? Can't fit your Saint Andrew's cross in your new condo? The Sportsheets Door Jam Kit is for you! This kit contains two durable nylon wrist restraints and two tethers that allow you to tie up anyone anywhere there's a door! Each tether is attached to an acrylic 'stopper' that prevents the tethers from moving when the door is closed. $29

Glyde Flavoured Condoms

These pleasantly-flavoured vegan condoms aren't too overpowering with flavour, while managing to keep latex taste and odour to the minimum. Also, the lubrication they've used tends to stay slicker longer. $1/each

Goldfrau Porcelain Dildo

Don't wait until your 20th anniversary to give the gift of porcelain. These magnificent porcelain dildos are handcrafted in Australia and treated with a special glaze that creates a non-porous and easy to clean finish. The subtle design details make Goldfrau an object of beauty to behold and touch. Available in black/white or ivory with pink details. Available in solid black or white with pink details. $205

dvds

1000 Words

1000 Words is one of a kind experiment--a plot-based movie with absolutely no dialogue. Two photographers, Eloise (Carmen Hart) and Alain (Randy Spears) are star-crossed lovers both in relationships they want to get ofÖand into each other's pants. The visual aspect is most important with most of the movie being shot in black and white, except for the sex scenes. Great emotional acting and stellar looking cast, an excellent movie for those looking for something on the softer side, or someone watching porn for the first time. $40

All American Girls

Hands down the sexiest box cover of the year, All American Girls lives up to what its pretty packaging promises. No plot and a little less raunchy than what we are used to from Holly and Suze Randall, yet chock full of hot sex without pushing the limits. Side note: this film features some of porn's best male talent around today. $29

Buck Off

All-out sex, all over the house is what's in store for Buck Angel and his gaggle of guys in Buck Off. Starting off reasonably tame and then evolving into harder sex with scenes that feature power play, boot worship, extreme piercings (how does a 00 Prince Albert sound?!), clamps, bondage. . . everyone's having a great time! $35

Buckback Mountain

A cowboy love story comes true in Buck Angel's Buckback Mountain. This epic, high budget film reveals the tender, sensous relationship that Buck begins with his summertime work partner in the picturesque desert. A little different than other Buck movies, this softer and less explicit plot-based film does not contain any anal sex. $35

Hearts Cracked Open

A beautiful, spiritual, and gentle look at tantra, made especially for women who love women. Through interviews with experts and explicit demonstrations, we are invited to see how tantra not only can heighten pleasure and intensity of orgasm, but how it is a tool to heal and empower both the individual and relationship. $35

books

Erotic Massage Deck

Marrying ancient Eastern wisdom with modern know-how, the Erotic Massage Deck is the ultimate bedside companion for adventurous lovers. Ideal for the novice or the expert, these 50 sensual techniques can be explored one at a time or combined for an evening of intimate passion. $18.

Naughty School Boys' Colouring Book

Definitely not your childhood colouring book, the Naughty School Boy's Companion Colouring Book by local artist Fluffy O'Hare has created a wonderland of sexy women, spanking, bondage, and a few taboo illustrations that would make your fourth grade teacher blush. Let your creativity fill in between the lines, and watch your libido do the same. Sexy, edgy, and fun, this book is great for kids of all ages (providing those ages are all over 18). $13

Fetish

If rubber is your thing, you may never get past the 100% rubber cover of this sexy little book full of photography and fetish sex tips and techniques. If your interests lie elsewhere you'll find plenty of inspiration and a little bit of guidance in Fetish that's as comfortable on your coffee table as your bedside table, or whatever table you may have in your custom dungeon behind that secret wall in your den. $25

Position of the Day - Expert Edition

Pick a day, any day, with the cute and clever Position of the Day Expert Edition and see if you can match your stamina to the drawing talents of the folks at Nerve.com. With roller blade positions like the "Finger Roll" and tennis-enthusiast positions like "The Kournikova" we guarantee you'll find at least a few weeks worth of sex play you never dreamed of. $15.

Truth or Dare: A Game of Passion

Relive the rush of Truth or Dare with this clever and kinky game for adults. Every turn of the card and roll of the die is a chance for lovers to abandon inhibitions and explore their mutual passions. Truth or Dare: A Game of Passion is the perfect gift to take your Valentine's Day eve up a notch. $21.